Seasons Change and Life Goes On.

Two years. Two. Whole. Years.

Has it really been two years since I blogged?! Wow. To say our lives have been busy would be an understatement!

Just in case anyone hasn't already told you... Happy Fall, Y'all! Even though we are still reaching the 80's here in Florida, the fall season is in full swing at my house! My pumpkin spice candles are out, my planner is filled with fall festivals and parties, and my Pinterest boards are filling up with crafts for the holiday seasons. Fall and winter have always been my favorite time of year. If you know me at all, you know I am obsessed with Christmas time, which is why my husband has to restrain me from putting our Christmas decorations up in August. Fall is like the appetizer before the meal. When fall comes, I know what comes after!

I am sure many of you can relate to this - you're walking through a store, down the sidewalk, or through your home, and you smell a certain scent or hear a certain song, and all of a sudden a hundred memories flood your mind...all because of that smell, song, picture, or whatever it may be. Even though fall brings so much happiness to me, so much promise of change - in the trees and in each other - it also brings me many memories, and not so many good ones....

In October of 2012 life was beautiful. I had a sweet boyfriend (who is now my husband) that I was falling more in love with every day, my pumpkin spice candles were burning daily, my days were filled with carving pumpkins and spending time with my family. Just a few weeks before dad's accident we had a big cookout at my dad's house. We had a bonfire, four wheelers, s'mores, and all of the things that make this time of year so enjoyable. Never knowing what life had waiting for us just a few weeks later. So now, every year when I buy my pumpkin spice candles in bulk, that smell automatically takes my back to the days before our world was turned upside down. And then the days that followed...my heart still sinks when I think of them. 

Four years ago, my favorite time of year...my favorite seasons...were filled with days of sorrow and pain, as well as days of victory and happiness. Along with the changing of the seasons came a time of huge changes in our lives. And even though this time of year holds those awful memories, it also promises the chance to make new ones!

My heart, my mind, my spirit, and my body has been through so much in the past 4-6 years of my life. When I look back at what I have been through, I am constantly reminded of God's grace and faithfulness to me. God's word promises that He will never give us more than we can handle and will never leave us - I truly believe that. I can testify to that time and time again. He has given me strength to make it through every time. BUT - I also believe that we weak human beings have to realize where our strength comes from. God will always give us strength, but He will always want you to come to Him for it, because then you will see that even in the valley, and even on the mountain tops He is good and faithful.

As you may have noticed, my blog has changed a little bit. I changed the title and layout, as well as updated a few things. Of course I will still blog about dad and any major life updates, but initially this blog served as a way to update hundreds of people who wanted to know about dad's progress. I am so thankful for each person who has taken the time to read my blogs, which I always feel like I'm just rambling in. As the seasons have changed, our lives have moved on. Praise the Lord, our lives have returned to "normal," so-to-speak. I changed the title of my blog to "Strength for Today; Hope for Tomorrow." Some of you may recognize that phrase from one of my favorite hymns, "Great is Thy Faithfulness." Throughout the ups and downs of my life, the one constant has always been the faithfulness of Jesus Christ. His promises have given me strength on the days when I couldn't get out of bed. His faithfulness has given me bright hope for my tomorrows when I felt there was no way out. This blog will now serve the purpose of documenting my journey through this thing called life as a wife, daughter, sister, friend, and more importantly, as a believer.

So, I will continue to blog. Not only because I have had several people ask me to, but because it really is like therapy for me to write - even if no one reads them. ;)

Of course, I couldn't write a post for the first time in two years without giving an update on my family. Shane and I celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary in July (wow, how time flies!). We bought our first home about a year and a half ago, and added a new fur-baby to the mix. We still have our adorable beagle, Jake, but we now have a crazy cat named Lucky (Lucky is a whole other blog post...). Dad has been doing AMAZING with his prosthetic. He's on the go more than I am, and I have two good legs! He is working for a construction company out of Jacksonville, and now that it's hunting season he spends most of his weekends in Georgia. Makayla graduated high school in July, and is currently working and figuring out where she wants to go in life. In about a week and a half my dad and I, along with Shane, Makayla, and my Grandma, will be heading north to Tennessee for vacation. This will be the first big trip we have taken as a family since Dad's accident. I am beyond excited!

This Friday, November 4th, will be four years since dad's accident. Each year since his accident, we have gone out to dinner to celebrate another year of life. Dad will be heading to Georgia Friday, so it looks like we will do our traditional dinner on Thursday night. Even though four years have passed, I can still remember the smell of the hospital, feel the stiffness of the couch I slept on many nights in his room, and remember the dark circles under my puffy eyes. Like I said above, as the seasons have changed, our lives have moved on, but November 4th will always be a day that changed our lives forever, and that is something that you never forget. Thank you to all of you who have walked this journey with us! Praise the Lord for his faithfulness to us, and for his strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow!

Blessings~
Shelby

Butterfly Kisses.

Wow...has it REALLY been 9 months since I last blogged?! Life has been crazy, to say the least. I started the Dental Hygiene program at Santa Fe College back in August, and I will begin my second year later this month. I have been in school full time, and then working the weekends as a waitress at a local restaurant where I live. Plus I have been spending any free moment planning my wedding! So, needless to say, blogging hasn't been at the top of my list. I have missed it, though! I figured it was time for an update, and there is SO much to update on!

First... I'M A MARRIED WOMAN, Y'ALL! Shane and I tied the knot on July 19th, and it was literally the happiest day of my life. I have spent the past year planning every tiny detail. A lot of things I made at home with the help of my friends and family. And it all paid off, because everything went off without a hitch! I married my best friend and danced the night away surrounded by our family and friends...it was perfect.

As many of you know by now, I have always been a daddy's girl. In my previous posts on here and on facebook I have mentioned many times thinking about my wedding day. My dress, the music, my dad walking me down the aisle... I have dreamed of it since I was a little girl. I can remember when I was real young - maybe 4 years old, give or take - I used to go to work with my dad in Lake City. He was in the military and worked at the Armory. We would have to get up reeeeally early and head west on State Road 100. I can remember the whole way there and the whole way back listening to Bob Carlisle's "Butterfly Kisses" on a tape in his truck. It was our song, and I knew every word. When he would tuck me in at night, he would always lean down and turn his cheek so I could reach up and give him butterfly kisses with my tiny eyelashes. In my eyes, there was no greater man than my dad. He was strong, brave, and tough as nails. Yet, he was also gentle, loving, and wasn't afraid to cry in front of his family. I could never imagine a world where  he didn't exist. We built truck engines, tree houses, and chicken coops together. We loved John Wayne movies and Hershey kisses were our weakness.

As time passed, I began to grow up. Sleepovers at friend's houses, majorette competitions every weekend, and talking on the phone to my friends filled my spare time. But, I still managed to find time to spend with my dad.

Then we blinked, and I was graduating high school. Starting college. Figuring out my place in life. I was so caught up in my own world that I didn't notice my parent's world falling apart. It was kind of like a stubbed toe. You really don't notice your toes much, until you practically break it off on the corner of the table. Then it seems like you can't quit hitting it on every immovable object you pass. Once I noticed the lack of communication between the two, it was everywhere I turned. I couldn't get away from it. The arguments, the separation, the questions from people who had nothing else better to do. How was this happening to my family? I became angry. And bitter. And depressed. At first, I just stayed away from the house. I moved out with some friends. I remember when I decided to move out, my dad came to me one day and started crying. He asked me to please stay home. He didn't say it, and he didn't have to, but I knew it was because he knew once I left he would be alone. My parent's marriage was hanging by a thread, and that thread was my sister and I. Looking back on that moment now, I was so selfish. I moved out anyway and continued on with my life. My parents eventually separated, and I ignored it with alcohol, friends, and school. It was so much easier to just forget than to face my new reality. My relationship with my parents became very strained. I moved back home, but I would just lock myself in my room and stay in bed. Anxiety attacks made me want to sleep, but nightmares kept me awake. It was a time in my life I never wish to relive.

But...little by little God began healing my heart. I was so ridden with shame and guilt for the things I had done. Abandoning my little sister to face our broken family alone. Barely speaking to my parents. Shutting the world out and letting my depression consume me. I tell you all these things not to have you feel sorry for me, but to show you how much of a mess our family was, and then how God's grace brought us back together.  I accepted my parent's divorce, and began adjusting to our new reality. We began having family dinners at my dad's new place, and when holidays came along, my sister and I went to 2 family parties. I had been dating Shane for a few months and it seemed like our world was finally coming back into orbit and my heart was healing. Then BAM. The accident.

In an instant, our world stopped spinning. It was like everything was in slow motion, yet looking back it all happened so fast. I have written many times about our ride to the hospital that night. When we initially got the phone call, we were told he was being taken by life flight, and it wasn't looking like he would arrive alive. As a matter-of-fact, the hospital was prepping for a dead body, and the investigation began as a homicide. As I sat in that passenger seat, all I could think about was my wedding day. My dad and I had finally began to have a relationship again, and everything was good. Now what? Who would walk me down the aisle? Who would dance with me? Then we got a phone call that informed us that he was alive, but barely. He had lost his entire left leg, his left arm was torn to shreds, and he was bleeding internally. We began sobbing, because we knew he was suffering. Then I thought about my wedding day again...if he lived, how would he walk with me and dance with me? There were so many unknowns, and I was so overwhelmed. A week later when my dad woke up in ICU and had the breathing tube removed, I was getting ready to go home for the night, and I shared a special moment with my dad. As I told him goodnight I said, "I haven't done this in awhile, and I've been waiting to do it all week. I'm gonna give you some butterfly kisses." I leaned down and fluttered my eyelashes on his cheek and asked, "Can you feel that?" He quietly and sweetly whispered, "Yes." It was one of the most precious moments of my life, and I will treasure it forever.

As you all know, our story has a happy ending! On July 19th, 2014, my dad walked me down the aisle and gave me away to my husband, and he danced with me to "Butterfly Kisses" at our reception. And he did all of that without using his crutch! He wore his military dress uniform, so when I saw him all dressed up, you couldn't even tell he had a prosthetic on. He pushed himself and relied on God's strength - and he did it! I was so proud, and my heart was so full. To see my mom and dad sitting together at my wedding, and my mom helping him...it was as if it all came full circle. I may never understand why God allows certain things to happen, but I TRUST him; whatever the outcome is, he will still hold my world in his hands. Through that dark time in our life, God brought me and my dad back together. He brought my mom and I back together. He strengthened my sister and I's relationship. He brought my parents back together. He performed miracles that doctor's can't even explain. He spared my dad's life and gave him the strength to push through and overcome every obstacle. He healed our broken hearts. How deep the father's love for us... How great is our God!

Dad has been working with his prosthetic on a new knee...and $80,000 knee!! But it is awesome, and he seems to really like it! Dad also just took a new job with a company called Fulcrum that does commercial buildings. He has to travel a lot, but this company has opened up so many opportunities for him, and they are aware of his "situation" and have made accommodated his needs. I included some pictures of his new knee, and of the wedding day.

Thank you to all of you for following us on this journey. Maybe some of you have traveled on a similar journey. Maybe you struggle with depression like me. Maybe you are an amputee or have a family member who is one. Maybe you come from a broken family. Maybe you have never experienced anything like this, but you have your own battles you are facing. Maybe you are defeated and need a renewed hope. Whatever the case may be, I hope that this blog has helped at least one person to know that they are not alone. I pray that God blesses each person who reads this blog, and that He will touch each of your needs with his healing hand.

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14

Blessings ~
Shelby

525,600 Minutes... How do you measure a year?

I used to absolutely hate that song! When I was a majorette, several teams would do routines to that song, and it always got stuck in my head. But as I sit here and try to think of a title for this post, it was all I could of. Here we are... a year later! 525,600 minutes...how do you measure a year?

I can remember standing by my dad's bed around 3AM Monday morning. It was the first time we were able to see him. The doctor's had told us that his body couldn't handle surgery yet, so we had to go up to ICU to see him. Me, my sister, Grandma, and my dad's siblings were the first to go back. As I stood there looking at my dad's broken body hooked up to machines and wires, I closed my eyes and just for one second wanted to fast-forward one year. I just wanted to know how it all would play out...would he and Michelle live? Would they ever walk again? And here we sit a year later... wow. We did it. We have lived it! Dad has fought so hard and he has come so far. It is so surreal to know how different today could have been for us. Today could have been a day of grief and sorrow. If dad would have died on November 4th, 2012, today we might have visited his grave, looked at old pictures, or stayed in bed all day. However, today we wake up and I am able to call my dad. Tonight we are going to dinner at his favorite - Cracker Barrel - to enjoy the fall decorations and time with each other. Today is a day of rejoicing!!! We have been given another day, another year with him, and even though it has been a year full of trials and tears, it has also been a year filled with victories and memories we will never forget!

I say this to you all from the bottom of my heart, as well as my dad's and my entire family... thank you. Thank you for your prayers, your hugs, your cards, your food, your donations, your kind words, and your willingness to walk with us down this road. We will never forget the things each of you have done for us. When I began writing updates on my facebook about my dad, I had no idea it would lead to a blog with nearly 4,000 views and meeting people we probably would have never met otherwise.

This year would not have been possible if it had not been for God's faithfulness and healing power over my dad and Michelle. People question whether or not God exists, and my dad is living proof of his miracles. Even the doctors have been amazed at his recovery. There is no other explanation other than that God was not finished with him yet. What satan meant to destroy, God used for HIS good!

This year also would not have been possible if it had not been for the two people (Jeff and Rhonda) who stopped that night and saved my dad and Michelle's life, the paramedics and emergency first responders who took such good care of my dad and got him to the hospital safely and swiftly, Dr. Sadasivan who fought so hard to save him and catered to our every question with kindness and gentleness, the nurses (Sadaf, Renee, Becki, etc.) in the ICU who made sure me and my family were taken care of and were aware of everything that went on, the therapists at Shands Rehab who pushed my dad and worked so hard to get him home before Christmas... The list goes on and on. All of these people played a crucial role in our lives and my dad's journey - THANK YOU.

And of course, this year would not have been possible if it had not been for my family. My wonderful, loving, supportive family. Mom, Makayla, Grandma, Aunt Joy, Uncle Mike, Uncle Daniel, Aunt Michele, Uncle Pooh, Aunt Hollie, Gini, and Amber... dad couldn't have made it without you. I could not have made it without you. My family stepped up to the plate and handled finances, paperwork, moving, and so much more so my sister and I could focus on dad and taking care of him. You each will never know how much I appreciate all you have done.

This year has held many of our darkest memories, and many of our greatest days. Call me morbid, but I like to go back and read mine and others facebook posts from last November. It reminds me of all that God has done in our lives. All of the prayers that went up, the obstacles that were overcome, and the love that was poured out on our family. I have learned not to measure my years by the achievements I make or by the amount of money or success I earn. I don't measure my years by what I can gain. I now measure my years by the laughter and memories I have made with those I love, and I measure them with celebration and thankfulness for all that God has blessed us with.

Okay... enough of the mushy-gushy stuff. ;)

As many of you read on my facebook, we have something exciting to share today!! Over the past several weeks we have a friend who has worked on creating a video for my dad to use to share his testimony. He showed it for the first time this weekend at a men's conference he spoke at, but we had seen it just a week or so before then. It is amazing! I get chills every time I watch it. We are all so excited for you all to see it today. Please feel free to share it and pass it on! Our prayer is that it will encourage and bless each person who sees it, even if their situation is different. The message is the same - we are never alone. The video is posted below along with a link if you aren't able to see it on here. :)

I just wanted to end this post by saying thank you to my dad. Thank you for teaching me, Makayla, and many others what it means to truly have faith and persevere. You have amazed us with your determination and will to live your life and take take hold of the gift you were given. There is no one else I would rather have as my dad and walk me down the aisle next year. You truly are my hero!

Once again, thank you all for following along with us on this journey. It has only just begun. :)

Blessings ~
Shelby

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Y78_hQzmDU&feature=youtu.be

As One Grows to Understand Life Less and Less, One Learns to Live it More and More.

Whoa! It has been way too long since I have posted an update! My apologies :) I started school in August and I'm also working and planning a wedding, so it can get a little hectic! Dad is doing great. He is still working full time and going to therapy. He is currently in the process of getting his "second leg." They are trying to make him a more comfortable socket, since his stump is so short. He has definitely mastered the crutches, though! I can barely keep up with him on those things!! Dad really is doing amazing, considering it has only been 11 months since his accident. Life truly does go on - and we are trying to keep up! :)

A few years ago I opened my fortune cookie from the local Chinese takeout restaurant here in Starke, and it simply stated the above title. "As one grows to understand life less and less, one learns to live it more and more." I saved that little piece of paper and I actually have it on my memo board on the door to my room to this day. A few years ago, that phrase had a totally different meaning to me. My parents were separated at the time and I was struggling with trying to have faith despite all that was going on around me.

Now, a few years later, I read that worn piece of paper with a totally different outlook. 

People always refer to life as a book; words, sentences, paragraphs, pages, and chapters filled with stories, memories, pain, and laughter. I sometimes wish I had enough time to literally sit down and write a book about my life. Oh the things I would fill  it with! And, oh the things I would choose to leave out... :) 

Out of the hundreds of random thoughts my mind comes up with every day, I've been thinking about that one a lot... Life. Books. Stories. I am slightly a book nerd. Well, actually I'm a huge book. I love to read! Books are a different world I get to escape to for a little while. Sometimes the books are sad, happy, confusing, long, suspenseful, exhilarating, scary, and euphoric. And sometimes, when you get a really good one, it has all of those in one. I'm sure that many of you remember in school learning about how to write stories. There's an introduction, plot, climax, conclusion, details, etc... All of those come together to create a story. 

If your entire life was written in a book... What would your story tell?

We never know when our book will shut, when the last words on the final page will be written. Perhaps some are just reaching the climax of their story. Some stories are just beginning with their first breath, or others may be approaching their conclusion and the infamous "The End" phrase. 

If my life were a book, I feel like up to this point in my life, my chapters would be based on the stages of my life. My first chapters would be my childhood, which was filled with so many happy memories. What I would give to be able to go back to those days and that innocence! The next few chapters would probably include things like my little sister's birth, September 11th, my dad getting deployed, and my first baton lessons. Then my middle school days... I try to block those out as much as I can. I hated middle school! I think it's safe to say those would be short chapters. :) High school was awesome. I have so many good memories with my friends. Of course high school holds the memories of my first kiss, my first heartbreak, my salvation, mission trips, Friday night football games, homecoming, staying out past curfew, and so many more. Looking back on my life up to that point, I can say that there's nothing I would change. My life wasn't perfect, but it was pretty darn close.

After high school.... that's when it got interesting.

I feel like as soon as I graduated from high school my world was flipped completely upside down. My parent's divorce, the economy taking a huge toll on my family and house, and beginning my battle with depression.

All of us have asked this question - "WHY?" Why did this happen? Why did they do that to me? Why haven't I found the answers yet? Why do bad things happen to good people?

I have to be honest, I've asked that last one quite a bit recently. We learn the word "why" very young. We feel like we are entitled to an explanation. But like that fortune cookie said, as we grow up life will become more and more confusing, so the best thing to do is just live it with all you have. The question why is no longer about why we have to eat our veggies or why we can't go to a friend's birthday party. The "whys" become even harder to answer. Why do people have to die? Why isn't there a cure for cancer? Why can't I find a job? Why can't my husband and I get pregnant?

I live in a small town, and usually things are pretty quiet. But it seems like recently if has been hit after hit after hit. Last month I was getting dressed to go to a funeral for a man I had known ever since I was a child, and he was a special person to Starke - Judge Johnny Hobbs. As I was putting my shoes on, I received the news that a friend and coworker of mine had died while giving birth to her first child, a baby boy. I literally could not catch my breath. WHAT?! How could this happen? Why did it happen? In the weeks that followed, things didn't get any easier for our community. A shooting rampage in Lake Butler, the loss of a 3 month old baby boy, a soldier killed while stopping to help someone on the interstate...

So much heartache, and why is it happening to such good people?

As the 1 year anniversary of my dad's accident approaches, and with all that has been going on, I've gone back to that night and the days that followed many times. It's not an easy place to go back to, and the memories it holds aren't exactly peachy. The day after the accident I was a complete basket case at the hospital. I was so nauseous, and overwhelmed with what was going on. I would go back to see dad and have to leave within 5 minutes because I was sobbing so hard. WHY is this happening? WHY is this happening to MY dad? He is such a good man and he is fighting for his life! That night my sister and I stayed in a hotel in Gainesville so we could be close by in case anything happened. Makayla passed out as soon as she laid down, but I knew when I laid down, it wasn't going to be pretty. I was right, because as soon as I put my head on my pillow I began sobbing and screaming into my pillow. How were we going to do this? Would my dad make it through the night? How am I going to be strong? After an hour of this, I finally calmed down, and simply prayed.... "Lord, I can't. But YOU can." At that point I kind of gave myself a good slap in the face so I could pull it together. The whole situation was out of my hands. I had no control over it, and the only one who did is the some person who created the stars, and He was holding us in His hands. The next day when I went to the hospital, I went to my daddy's side and grabbed his hand. I looked at all of the tubes going down his throat and nose, his missing leg, the ventilator screen showing each breath. Yes, sometimes bad things happen to good people, and we may never get the answer to the question WHY... But I truly believe - and my dad feels the same way - that God allowed this to happen to my dad because He knew my dad was a fighter, and that He would glorify the healing power of our Savior.

Notice I didn't say God MADE this happen to my dad - he ALLOWED it. As children of God, He will never leave nor forsake us, and we never have to fear the punishment and judgement of God - that was settled on the cross. The devil is the one who roams around like a roaring lion seeking whom he can devour. He wants to steal, kill, and destroy. As I realized this, I became stronger in my faith and understanding of the mysterious ways of this life. I feel like this all ties together in our story we call life. From our very first page, our lives become a story. That story will involve happy times and sad times, and in those moments of struggle and trials, we learn that we will never really understand life, and we may never even be able to understand our story until we reach the end. As one grows to understand life less and less, one learns to live it more and more. I now hug my loved ones a little tighter. I say, "I love you," more often. I try new experiences because I never know if I will have the opportunity to do them again. I slow down and watch the sunset. I sing a little louder, laugh a little more, and forgive a lot quicker. Why? Because I know that I will never understand, and I will never be in control. I will never have all the answers. I will never know if the conversations with people will be their last - or mine. I will never know.

I'm not totally delusional. Every day is not peaches and cream for me. I'm human... I cry, I get angry, I make mistakes; but I try not to base my happiness on the bad days. I have laughed until I've cried, I have traveled to Europe, I have experienced accomplishment and success, I come home every day to so many blessings. I hope that as you read this blog - whoever you may be - that you can realize that no matter what you are facing... there is ALWAYS hope.



What is your story?



Blessings ~

Shelby

Hello World, How Ya Been?

2 Months?!?! Really? It has been 2 months since my last post! Life has been crazy busy lately, and to be honest, I haven't been inspired to really write about anything. I heard a quote a few years ago when I was writing a paper for school by Plato that said, "Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something." I never want this blog to be a place where I just post aimless ideas with no substance. I want the topics I discuss and the stories that I tell to be words of encouragement and thought-provoking. However, at the end of the day if I can minister to one person, it is all worth it. Thank you for reading along with me and experiencing this "new normal" with us. My blog has now reached 2,790 views, which is INSANE! I am so humbled by all God has done and continues to do in our lives. My cup overflows. :)

Wow, where to begin? A lot has happened in two months! Dad is finally back at work full-time, and his stump has healed enough for him to begin therapy again! Dad's new therapist has worked with amputees before, so he really pushes dad and pours himself into his work. Dad even said he has started making him walk with a cane instead of his crutches! That may not seem like much, but it is a big deal! At the end of the day, dad is slap worn out! He is always busy, but now that he only has one leg, it's twice the work. I am still amazed at his spirit and his constant determination to keep going. He has truly touched so many lives, and it is all thanks to the ultimate Healer who has poured out his blessings on my dad. Every time I think back on that night on November 4th, I can't help but tear up at the many battles God led my family and I through, and the battles He carried my dad and his broken body through. God is GOOD! During the month of June I traveled to Tennessee to work at a youth camp, and then when I came home I had my wisdom teeth removed. So I was gone from dad's and staying at my mom's during that week. Before I left for the second week of camp, my dad and I were at dinner with my little sister, and he started to talk in that "serious" tone...y'all know what I'm talkin' about! He then told me that he wanted me to move back home to my mom's. Not because he didn't want me to live with him, but he knew how much I missed my home, my bed, my cat, my bathroom. He told me that he is now able to do pretty much everything on his own, and that he genuinely wants me to start staying at my mom's. Now, that's not to say that I won't stay over there some nights and help him out when he needs it. Even though I was happy to be back at mom's in my bed, I still had a good cry. I think I will always be that way. I hate change, and even if it's good change, I still have a hard time adjusting! I'm starting to think God is trying to teach me something... :) As many of you have heard, I was accepted into the Dental Hygiene program at Santa Fe College. I am beyond excited to start this chapter (and get school over with - ha!), but I am extremely nervous. As I opened my letter, my mom and sister were standing with me and my dad was on speaker phone. When I read the first sentence that said, "Congratulations on your acceptance into the 2013 Dental Hygiene program at Santa Fe College!", my dad began to cry on the phone. I am so thankful that he is here to experience these moments, birthdays, holidays, and milestones. We are so blessed!

Three years ago I started working at a camp through Rick Coram Ministries called "PowerLife." I attended PowerLife years ago in 2004, but I never thought I would ever come back years later to work on the staff! Thanks to my friend, Kasey, and an awesome letter of recommendation from Bro. Charles Warren, I was offered an opportunity that many apply for! Now, fast-forward 3 years and if you did your math right, this was my 4th year working at PowerLife. I honestly wasn't sure if I would be able to go this year due to all that has been going on over the past several months. But God opened the door and I was able! PowerLife is a student camp for students 6th-12th grade. We have one week in June that takes place in Johnson City, TN, and another week in July in Winnsboro, SC. The weekend before the second week there is an adult conference in St. Simons Island, GA. The staff at PowerLife is literally like a family that has a reunion every year. Many late nights are spent catching up with everyone and soaking up every minute that we can together before we have to go home.

Going in to PowerLife this year, my heart was heavy and my soul was weary. I have never spoken out about this subject, but as you all are walking and reading with us, I have prayed and feel like someone needs to hear this story, and how God will truly never forsake you. In the fall of 2011 after my parents first separated, I slowly began falling into depression. I knew something wasn't right with me. I would stay in bed all day, toss and turn all night, and have nightmares frequently. I began not answering my phone and never calling people back. I shut my family out and quit reading my Bible and talking to God. I let my mind become consumed with negativity and lies. This went on for months, and I hid it from everyone. In January of 2012 I had an anxiety attack at work. I had no clue what was happening to me until the doctor told me it was an anxiety attack. I was scared and mad at the same time. Scared, because I didn't realize how serious this was, and mad because I had let myself get this bad. So at that point, I decided to fight. I began fighting my depression and waking up every day determined to not let it define me. I pushed out Satan's lies and trash with God's truth and word. After months of struggle, I was finally starting to feel like Shelby again. My relationship with my parents was starting to heal, and I was finally accepting the divorce and that I had to find a new normal. I met Shane and I started to let myself be happy again. Next thing you know....BAM! Dad's accident. While many may think that the events of those first few weeks would be enough to send me over the edge, they didn't. I drew closer to the Lord and felt his presence and peace more than ever before. Instead of pushing God away, I begged Him to draw near. I begged him to carry us through, and He heard our cries and answered our prayers. We saw miracles performed and lives changed. When dad came home, many know that I moved in with him to help take care of him. I was also in school full-time and working part-time. My life was non-stop, so that daily routine of waking up and preparing myself to fight my depression was put on the back burner. When a person is diagnosed with depression and overcomes it, unfortunately they struggle with it for the rest of their lives. So all of a sudden, my depression symptoms came back and blind sided me. I didn't understand! Why?! Why now? Although my life was crazy, I had so many things going for me. But this time, I was realized that I had to say something. It wasn't healthy and I knew I needed help on how to deal with this. I only have my AA in psychology, but I did learn a little bit from those two years! I sat my parents down and explained to them what was going on and that I had made an appointment with a Christian Counselor at FBC Jax in Jacksonville. It was emotional for all of us, but they showered me with love and support. Alllllllll of that is to say that, going into PowerLife, I was worried about being away from home, but I was so ready to see the staff and my other "family." As soon as I got to PowerLife, so many came up to me and hugged my neck, and the first things they asked me was, "How is your dad?!" Several stopped and just looked me in the eye and genuinely asked, "How are you?" Those words meant more than they will ever know. The theme of the camp this year was "I Surrender." We studied the lives of Noah, David, and Mary, who all surrendered their lives for something greater. God worked on my heart throughout the weeks and I knew I had to surrender my depression, my anxiety, my fear all to Him. If I held on to them, I would miss what He had for me. I came home with such a clarity and new outlook on some things. And not to mention, I had the awesome opportunity to lead my little sister to the Lord during week one! It was amazing and definitely a moment that I will never forget. Overall, between the two weeks of camp we saw a total of 111 students saved and surrender their lives to Christ! How awesome is that?!

During week two (July 15-19), what ministered to me the most was the music. Ever since dad's accident, music has found a home in my heart, and I came to a point where music is more than just words and instruments. Words come alive and speak in ways that nothing else can. When we sing praises to our Father for all He has done for us, our soul cries out we are given a small glimpse into what Heaven will be like. We had some awesome musicians there, such as Daniel Crews, the Jason Cox Band, No Other Name, Danny Orteli, and Erica Branch. They all are talented and have such a huge heart for the Lord. The Praise Team is compiled of some amazing musicians and singers, and it is led by Kirk Ayers. Last year Bro. Kirk sang many songs that helped me through dad's accident, and this year he did it again! I truly believe God used him and the praise team to minister to my heart and soul through their songs. Just about every night I would eventually have to mouth the words because every time I would sing, a big lump would catch in my throat as I realized the words we were singing were our lives wrapped up in a 3 minute song. I'm funny about crying in front of people, since I am an ugly crier, and I also feel so vulnerable. But there are times when I think we all could use a good cry, and I definitely got a few of them. I just want to take a few minutes to share with you the lyrics of some of the songs that spoke to me...

"You Never Let Go" - Matt Redman
*Danny sang this song one night, and even though I heard it years ago, it was the first time I heard it in a long time, and the words have a totally different meaning now.*
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
Your perfect love is casting out fear.
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life,
I won't turn back I know You are near.

I will fear no evil, for my God is with me.
And if my God is with me,
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh, no, You never let go.
Through the calm and through the storm.
Oh, no, You never let go,
In every high and every low.
Oh, no, You never let go,
Lord, You never let go of me.

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on,
A glorious light beyond all compare.
There will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes,
We'll live to know You here on the Earth.

I will fear no evil, for my God is with me.
And if my God is with me,
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh, no, You never let go.
Through the calm and through the storm.
Oh, no, You never let go,
In every high and every low.
Oh, no, You never let go,
Lord, You never let go of me.

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on,
and there will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes,
still I will praise You; still I will praise You.

Oh, no, You never let go.
Through the calm and through the storm.
Oh, no, You never let go,
In every high and every low.
Oh, no, You never let go,
Lord, You never let go of me."

"Never Once" - Matt Redman
*I had never heard this song until PowerLife, and it is truly our lives over the last 8 months. Thank you, Bro. Kirk, for following the Lord's voice and bringing this song to PowerLife.*
"Standing on this mountain top,
looking just how far we've come,
knowing that for every step, You were with us.
Kneeling on this battleground,
seeing just how much You've done,
knowing every victory, was Your power in us.

Scars and struggles on the way, but with joy our hearts can say,
Yes, our hearts can say...

Never once did we ever walk alone,
never once did you leave us on our own.
You are faithful, God, You are faithful.

Kneeling on this battleground,
seeing just how much You've done,
knowing every victory, was Your power in us.

Scars and struggles on the way, but with joy our hearts can say,
Yes, our hearts can say...

Never once did we ever walk alone,
never once did you leave us on our own.
You are faithful, God, You are faithful.

Scars and struggles on the way, but with joy our hearts can say,
"Never once did we ever walk alone!"
Carried by Your constant grace,
held within Your perfect peace,
Never once, will we ever walk alone!

Never once did we ever walk alone,
never once did you leave us on our own.
You are faithful, God, You are faithful.

Every step we are breathing in Your grace,
ever more we'll be breathing out Your praise,
You are faithful, God, You are faithful.
You are faithful, God, You are faithful."

As we prepared to pack up and head home on Friday, Bro. Rick pulled all of the student servants into a private room. He just wanted to thank us for all of the work we do, and to pray with us. This year many of us knew that this would  most likely be our last year working at the camp, including me. As Bro. Rick began to talk about change and some of us moving on, I was overcome with emotion, and as he prayed over us and got choked up himself, I couldn't stop it... Yes, I cried in front of people! Haha, it is rare that I do that, but like I said, sometimes crying isn't a bad thing. I left PowerLife anxious to get home, but longing to be with my PowerLife family again. I am so thankful for the 4 years I have been able to serve at PowerLife. I'm not sure how next summer will play out, but I know that if it is God's will, I will be able to go, and if it's not, He will shut that door. But I just wanted to close this blog by thanking Bro. Rick for welcoming me and for loving on me. Thank you to all of the staff for how you have loved on me through some dark times in my life, and for being an example of what the body of Christ should look like. I love each of you!

Now that I have finally caught up, I am hoping to get back to blogging regularly. We'll see how that goes... :)

Blessings ~

Shelby

You Can't Repeat the Past.

Hey everyone! Happy Late Mother's Day to all of the mommies who read my blog :) and to my mommy, who in my opinion is the best one out there!

I just have to take a minute and say thank you to all of you who have been following along with my blog and thank you for taking a few minutes to sit down and read my crazy ramblings! My blog has had over 2,350 views in just 2 and a half months... That is WAY more than I ever thought! I truly hope and pray that this blog ministers to someone or touches someone's heart as they read. Maybe you're experiencing a heartache that has nothing in common with our heartache, but you can relate to the emotions and frustrations that we are experiencing. Or maybe you or someone you know has been injured in a motorcycle accident or might be an amputee. Perhaps your life is going great and it just makes you happy to read along! Whatever the case may be, thank you for traveling on this journey with me. It really means a lot to know that so many care about what a young small-town girl like myself has to say!

Dad is doing really well! Mentally and emotionally he has recovered from his fall, but not quite physically. His stump is still VERY swollen and sore. Tuesday he went to his prosthetic doctor and even he was not too happy with dad's stump. This week will make three weeks since he has been able to do therapy, and that is no good! The other night he told me that it makes him so mad to see his new leg sitting against the wall and he can't do anything with it. Yesterday he went to the after hours clinic at OSMI, which is where he goes for his check-ups with his surgeon. There is no fracture, and they gave him some medication to help with the swelling and pain. Please be praying for dad and that he will heal quickly so he can get back to walking!

Dad is also getting ready to start back to work full-time instead of part-time. He loves his job and where he works, and we are so fortunate to have their understanding and support. I have had many people who have asked me where dad works. He started working at Gulf Coast Supply in Alachua just a few months before his accident. From the start, it was evident that their company had a great group of people with great integrity and truly cared about their employees. The night before dad's accident he told me and my family about a possible promotion to outside sales in the near future, and he was ecstatic. When the accident happened, of course the thought of bills and money scared me, because there was no way I could pay for them on my own. And what about the future? Would they still keep dad's job? Then one day when we were in the ICU, one of dad's bosses came to see him. My uncle talked to him for a bit and then he came and sat down with me and told me that they loved my dad and that whenever he was ready, his job would be waiting on him. I just busted out crying in the waiting room because 1) that weight was lifted off of my chest and 2) I was overjoyed by how loved my dad was. They continued to visit dad, and right before dad was released from rehab, they bought him an iPad for Christmas from the company. Needless to say, my family and I LOVE Gulf Coast Supply, and I'm just throwing this in for free... if you ever need any metal, roofing supplies, etc, Gulf Coast is where you need to go! They have great Christian values and they are a great group of people, including this cool guy named Barry. ;)

Now, it is time for some more of my crazy rambling... Hehe. :)

Last Saturday, Shane and I went and saw the new movie, "Gatsby." I have not read the book, but I really enjoyed the movie! I thought the special effects were awesome and as always, Leo DiCaprio was as handsome and debonair as ever. The next day I started thinking about the movie and the message it wanted to get across to the audience. To me, that's how you know you've seen a good movie: when you leave with something that you didn't expect. From the previews, I expected to see a passionate love story, extravagant parties, and a happy ending. Without ruining the movie for those who plan to see it, let's just say I didn't see all of those things.

When I thought the movie was about to go in a certain direction, it would pull a u-turn and go somewhere else. Overall, I left the movie thinking about the past. The entire movie revolved around the question: can you repeat the past? Can you change it? Unless you have a time machine, you cannot change the past, but.... can you repeat it? That question and idea has been cooking in the back of my mind ever since.

Everyone always tells us that we shouldn't regret the past because everything happens for a reason and we learn from it. I can't speak for anyone, but I know that for myself, I do. Yes, I learn from my mistakes and better myself, but that doesn't mean that I don't desperately wish for a remote control that I can use to rewind to past decisions and change the outcome. Looking back, I have made decisions that have literally changed the course of my life. And there are some that I'm not sure if I will ever forgive myself for making. There are people that I have hurt, bridges I have burnt, memories I have erased, and tears that I have shed that I wish I could change. I'm not sure if you've ever heard the song "A Lot of Things Different" by Kenny Chesney, but I will never forget hearing that song and crying when I heard the line, "People say they wouldn't change, even if they could... Oh, but I would."

I have desperately tried all throughout my life to hold on to the past and keep wishing for another chance. I sometimes felt as though I was watching others get chance after chance after chance, while I sat in the background just waiting for my second one. Over the years, holding onto things in the past left a bitterness in me; a feeling of anger for things not going the way that I wanted them. I can remember praying to God, so selfishly, knowing that if it was His will, it would have happened.

Then there are times when I'm thankful for the past. I'm thankful for memories with friends and family, and yes, even for some of the mistakes I made. Some people hold on so desperately to the past,  as if it's the only thing keeping them afloat. I've been there, and it is not a fun place to be. It's hard for our fragile minds to truly understand that the past is the past and all we can do is move forward. I don't know about you, but I don't handle change well, which is kind of funny when you think about it because our world is changing constantly. The only thing that has remained consistent in my ever-changing world, is the unconditional love and grace from the One who holds the pen in His hand and who knows every pain and joy I will experience. He holds my future, and that means that nothing can catch him by surprise.

So, even though I may regret things in my past, I can't change it, and I can't repeat it. No matter how I try. Like Gatsby, he had to learn the hard way that things change, and we can't live in the past. So rather than dwelling on it, I move forward. I choose to look ahead. With change, there comes a new normal. for example, when my parents got divorced, my world was shattered and the normal I thought I new, became awkward and forced. Eventually, as time went by, my sister and I had to let go of the past and begin adjusting to a "new" normal. While it wasn't the normalcy we wanted, we realized it was either sink or swim. As we began to heal and adjust, dad's accident happened. Once again, our world was shattered and the normal we were beginning to become familiar with became foreign, and our lives were in limbo. Now, we are once again having to adjust to a new normal, but this time, I welcome this new normal. Compared to the one I was adjusting to a year ago, I must say that this one is much better. Relationships are stronger, past hurts are forgiven, and our faith has been tested and proved. I look forward to the day when I can look back on this time and smile, because I will know that it was the catalyst that set in motion a stronger future for my family and I. Who knew such beauty could come from the past?

Blessings ~

Shelby

P.S. - Just for fun, I thought I would post some oldies ;)

My dad, sister and I in 2005.

Dad and Makayla - look at that grin!

Makayla and I 11 years ago.

Dad and his overalls...

One of my favorites!

Dad and I after climbing Stone Mountain...maybe one day we will do this again! :)

6 Months Forward, 6 Steps Back

Hey everyone! It's May! Anyone know what May is...? May is motorcycle awareness month! Challenge yourself and those in your family to be more aware and watch for motorcycles! In my dad's case, he would still have his leg. A couple of weeks ago, some friends and I went to the Clay County Fair. I was driving in my car down SR 16 through Penny Farms, which is a 2-lane road. A couple of motorcycles pulled out in front of me, so I slowed down and got about 50 yards behind them. I then watched in shock at how one of them literally road right next to the center line!! Almost like he was daring someone to hit him! The cars coming the opposite direction were having to ride on the shoulder to miss him. Then I got MAD. I'm talking smoke-coming-out-of-my-ears mad. I started begging God to let him turn into the fair grounds so I could give him a piece of my mind! But God knows better than I, so the guy didn't turn in when I did. So instead, I asked God to make him get over or get off the road. We need to be aware of motorcycles, but motorcycle drivers also need to be aware of cars. The night of dad's accident the car came across the center line and by the time dad and Michelle saw it, it was too late. Help save a life!

May also means it's the end of the semester! Wahoo! I'm looking forward to a few months without tests and homework. :) I will be applying for my program this month as well, so there are lots of exciting things going on! Please be praying for me as I get ready to apply and endure the long three months of waiting for a response. :)

When a person goes through a storm, just because the rain stops pouring doesn't mean the damage has been repaired. It's like the calm after a tornado comes through. You're thankful that the worst part is over, but just the thought of the clean-up that will have to take place is enough to send you over the edge. That's kind of how I have felt over the past couple of weeks. Today is six months since dad's accident. SIX MONTHS! I can remember sitting in his hospital room just wishing that I could fast-forward six months. And now we are here! Dad has come so far along over the past six months, and I couldn't be more proud. But... that doesn't mean that the damage that has been done to him or our family has been fully repaired.

As some of you know, on April 16th my boyfriend's dad had to have emergency open-heart surgery for an aortic aneurism. It was a very scary process, but after a few days things seemed to be getting better. Then one Tuesday night when I got off of work, it was around 10pm, Shane called me and told me that they were taking him back for exploratory surgery due to him having a fever of 105, and they couldn't figure out what was going on. So they were going to have to go in and try a hands-on approach. I immediately took off for Gainesville. Mr. Danny's room is in the North Tower at Shands (the old side), but my dad's was in the South Tower (the new side). When I got to Gainesville, Shane said that they would be doing his dad's surgery in the South Tower. When I got there, Shane and his family were still across the road, so they told me to go ahead and go to the second floor waiting room. As I sat in those chairs, it felt as if I had never left. Like I was still waiting on that November 4th night for the verdict. Would my dad live or die? I could remember each surgery that we sat in those comfy leather seats. When Shane's family got there, we waited for a couple of hours and then finally the doctor came out...and it was the SAME doctor that operated on dad the night of his accident! Earlier that day, my dad had the chance to meet him and several ICU nurses when he was there visiting Shane's dad and a friend of ours. Small world, right? Shane's dad pulled through the surgery, but they were still unable to find the problem, but he began getting better again. A few days later I was back over there and he had just gotten the ventilator out. As I stood there in his room...hearing the beeping machines, seeing the hundreds of wires, watching his  monitor, I got sick to my stomach.

I then went to the bathroom and sat down and began to sob. Sobbing at the memories. The nightmares that haunted my dreams for weeks. Sobbing at having to watch his family experience the feeling of helplessness that I became so familiar with. Sobbing because I feel like I will never leave Shands UF, and that someone I love and care about will always be here. After I had my little "moment", I wiped my eyes and stood up - determined to be strong for Shane and his family. Throughout all of this I have tried to let them know that they are not alone, and that I am willing to fight through this with them.

*Side note - please keep praying for Mr. Danny. He is still struggling to heal. I know his family would greatly appreciate the prayers.*

All of that is to say, we may be six months ahead. Six months further from a time I never want to experience again. Six months closer to a day when things will one day be normal again. But there are days when I feel six steps back. Like that night in the hospital with Shane's family. My mind and heart are still healing from those images and long days and nights.

Dad also had his first nasty fall last Sunday... Last weekend we were out at the lake celebrating my birthday, and we were staying in a little cottage out there. On Sunday I had to go into work for a few hours, so my mom and my sister were outside while my dad was inside watching a movie. He drove his Jazzy (his electric scooter) over to the fridge and got a drink and then drove back over to the couch. When he went to stand up, his shoe slipped on the tile floor. His stump literally caught his fall. The bone hit right against the tile and his butt hit the footrest on the scooter. The drink busted so he fell in some glass. Thankfully, my mom was right outside and heard him yell for her. He's okay, but it definitely shook him up. His stump started swelling the next day and he is very, very stiff and sore. Needless to say, we have all been a little more careful and cautious when it comes to him getting around. I can tell it really scared dad, to the point where it took him a little bit before he would walk with his crutches. But he is doing better and he is being a trooper, as always. :)

It's moments like those when I am reminded how we still have healing to do.  Emotionally and physically, especially with dad. Dad has defied so many odds that were against him, and he still is. But he is still having to face a drastic change and loss.

My mind is constantly in a million places. I'm always thinking about school, work, dad, Shane, life, painting my toes, and more all at the same time. So that means that I am forgetting things more often than I used to. I understand people may get frustrated when I forget little things, or don't think about things as often as I should, but there are times when I just want to scream! I am sure that many of you can relate, if you have ever been through something like this. I don't necessarily always want to scream at them, but more at me. I become frustrated with myself, because in my mind, I should be able to do everything. I am superwoman and can handle everything going and then some. But then, when I have to face the reality that I can't do everything and I can't handle all that is going on around me, it hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel like I'm suffocating...

That's where God's amazing strength and peace comes in. I see the beauty in the fact that I can't do things on my own. It reminds me that I am a weak human, who serves a mighty God. The same God who spoke the Earth into existence, is the same God who speaks to my broken heart. The same God who knows the number of stars in the sky, knows the number of hairs on my head. A couple of years ago, I got a tattoo on my wrist. It was a little spur-of-the-moment thing, but it I wanted it to have meaning. It is simple, just two black sparrows. I never would have known how much it means to me today. Many of you have probably heard the old song, "His Eye is on the Sparrow." At the time I got this tattoo, I was going through so many changes in my life. Changes with my parents, friends, and school. It was then that I wanted to be reminded every day when I looked at that tattoo, that every day, every second, Jesus is watching over me. Matthew 10:29-31 says, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." For those who have not heard the song, here are the lyrics...

"Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear;
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me."

Beautiful...right? On those days when I feel six steps behind, I begin humming this song, and become determined to not let satan steal mine or my family's joy. 

Speaking of joy... Last Saturday, dad broke out his new KNEE for all of us! It was awesome, and yes, there were some tears shed as some saw him walk for the first time. Many have asked why dad hasn't taken his leg out in public, and that's because A) It wasn't technically "his" yet and B) He can only walk on it for a short amount of time. It is still very painful, but as time goes on and his leg becomes less sensitive, he will be out there showing off for sure. :) Here is a picture of him and my Aunt Joy (his sister), and my cousin Gini (Joy's daughter):

These moments also help us go another six steps forward... We are moving forward baby steps at a time. These past six months have been difficult, to say the least, but I can truly say my dad, sister, myself, and our family have experienced such a deep love for one another that I don't think we would have been able to experience otherwise. I can't wait to see where God takes us in the next six months! Thank you for those who have supported us these past six months, and here's to many more!

Blessings ~

Shelby