Would You Go Back and Change It?

AHH! What a crazy week/weekend it has been! I know I said I would try to do two posts in one week since I was on Spring Break, but my week was still crazy, as usual! I did enjoy my Spring Break though, and I definitely loved sleeping in! Thankfully now I am on the down-hill slope and the end of the semester is finally in sight. :)

While I was writing last week's post, it brought back a lot of memories. Not just from the night of the accident, but from those long days and nights at the hospital. I am hoping that with each post I can post a story or memory from dad's "hospital days". There are even a few funny ones! So to start off this post, I want to talk about a night while dad was in ICU that I still think about almost daily.

Have you ever experienced a moment when you literally feel like the wind just got knocked out of you? And not because you tripped over your own feet and fell, but because of something someone said or asked you? There are few times when I have felt that, and the last time I felt that was probably when I found out my parent's divorce was finalized - so it takes a lot to make me react that way. On November 14, dad's last night in ICU, that moment happened for me. Visiting hours were over at 9pm, so most nights it would be just my Grandma and I, and sometimes a few others. On this night, it was around 8pm, so we were back in the room with dad when a nurse came in and informed us that they were going to take dad back for a CT scan to check on the infection in his leg. He was having surgery the next day, so they had to do it that night. Basically, she told us to say our good byes then and that they would have to take him back. They told us that we could stay in the room as they packed all of the machines up and wait until they came to take him. At this point, dad had the tubes out, so all they needed to unhook was his IV and monitors. While he laid there with my Grandma and waited, I walked over to the wall of cards and posters we had in his room and began to add some more to it. My back was to him as I was taping them up, and the conversation that night had been light and casual between us, but out of nowhere he calmly said, "Shelby." I kept hanging up cards and replied, "Yes?" It took him a few seconds to ask, but finally he asked me, "When you've done something like I've done...when you've messed up like I have...would you go back and change it? Should I have bought that bike?" Gut. Punching. Moment. Breath totally knocked out of me. One, I had no clue how to respond, and two, my heart broke because I knew he had started thinking it was his fault that this had happened. I was glad my back was to him because it gave me a moment to compose myself. I put the cards down and slowly walked over to his side with my Grandma. I stood there for a minute and thought about  how to word my answer. I looked at him and said, "Dad...when I think about the thousands of people that your accident has touched and reached, and how it has strengthened our family and our relationships with one another...no. I wouldn't change it." Dad nodded his head and just looked up at the ceiling. I continued, "I can remember when Ben and Mrs. Lisa Kelly passed away in that car accident, and that Sunday when Bro. Don got up in front of the church, he talked about how he wrestled with that question. What if he would have told Mrs. Lisa not to take that job? They wouldn't have been on that road. But he realized that nothing caught God by surprise and that regardless of what road they would have been on, God knew what would happen. That's how I look at your accident. Yes, if you wouldn't have bought that bike you wouldn't have been on that road at that time. But you never knew that car was coming that night, so none of this is your fault. God knew this was going to happen, and I think we are just seeing the tip of the iceberg as far as His plan to use you." He nodded again and kept looking up at the ceiling. I'm not sure if you was pondering my answer or seeing computer screens on the ceiling again due to pain medicine - hehe.

As I said above, I have thought about that conversation daily since dad's accident. And I would be lying to you if I said I had days where I changed my answer. I'm human people, so don't look at me with shock that I have moments of doubt! There are days when I cry and wish this had never happened. I have days constantly where I miss the days before the accident when life was (somewhat) normal. I battle with myself over and over about my answer that night. Would I change it if I could? If I could rewind time or somehow magically see into the future, would I change it? One thing I have had to accept through all of this is that I can't change it, no matter how bad I want to. It's not like the movies where I can sprinkle glitter on my head and wake up 6 months ago. I can't tap my shoes together and wake up from a bad dream. This is our life now. I can remember one Sunday while dad was in rehab, I went to a church service they had. I came in on the middle of the sermon, but it didn't take me long to realize that he was talking about this subject. We often forget that satan had to come before God to attack Job and his family in the old testament of the Bible. Even satan knows what's up - he can't touch a true child of God unless God allows it to happen. Notice that I didn't say *makes* it happen. That's because satan is the one who walks around like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. He is the one who seeks out to bring us heartache and pain; to destroy our lives. That night on county road 235, satan sought out to take my dad and Michelle's lives. He wanted to tear mine and Michelle's family's world apart. He wanted us to cry out in anger at God for what he had done. But, what satan wanted to use for evil, God took it to use for good. Some of you may wonder how in the world I can say that?! How can any good come from this? We have already seen it. My dad and Michelle are miracles.

Almost 2 years ago, I heard a song for the first time at a funeral, never knowing how much it would mean to me today. Many of you have probably heard it. It is called "Blessings" by Laura Story. For those of you who haven't heard it, here are the lyrics and I will post a video so you can listen.

"We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise"

If you ever talk to my dad, he will tell you up front that if he could somehow magically have his leg back and none of this would have happened, he wouldn't take it back. He doesn't want his leg back. I hope that one day all of you will have the chance to hear him talk about it, so I'm not going to steal his thunder. :) I am learning that that storms can bring blessings, tears can bring healing, and that God's mercy can be shown through our trials. Please hear my heart when you read this - I. Am. Not. Perfect. I don't have everything figured out, and I still have days where I'm angry and days that I cry. But I am determined that I will not allow satan to gain any satisfaction or glory from this. He will not prevail, and despite his best efforts, he will never defeat the amazing and powerful God I serve. Knowing that alone gives me strength, even in my darkest days.

To end this post, I wanted to give an exciting update on dad. As many of you know, he is driving again! Haha, he is on the go more than I am! He gets to go back to work on April 1st - WOOHOO! He actually went down to Bike Week in Daytona Monday night and shared his testimony, and on Tuesday he got to lead two people to the Lord. Needless to say, he came home feeling very blessed. Last week he was able to start therapy in Gainesville two days a week and he goes to the prosthetic office once a week. He absolutely loves therapy - he looks forward to it! Last week they did a cast of his stump to begin building his new leg. The plan was for this Friday to be the day they do their final fit and put the leg together, meaning that he would be taking his first steps soon. Well, on Monday he got a phone call that the mold was ready, so he went over there and they did some adjustments, soooo....drum roll please....that means that on Monday morning, dad will hopefully (if everything fits like they think it will) be taking his FIRST STEPS! And you all know that my sister and I will have video and pictures of it! Dad is beyond excited, and so are we. Very exciting days ahead for dad and our family. Thank you all for reading along with us, and I look forward to writing my post next week, which will hopefully have lots of smiles and happy tears for a huge milestone that dad has achieved. :)

Blessings ~

Shelby