You Can't Repeat the Past.

Hey everyone! Happy Late Mother's Day to all of the mommies who read my blog :) and to my mommy, who in my opinion is the best one out there!

I just have to take a minute and say thank you to all of you who have been following along with my blog and thank you for taking a few minutes to sit down and read my crazy ramblings! My blog has had over 2,350 views in just 2 and a half months... That is WAY more than I ever thought! I truly hope and pray that this blog ministers to someone or touches someone's heart as they read. Maybe you're experiencing a heartache that has nothing in common with our heartache, but you can relate to the emotions and frustrations that we are experiencing. Or maybe you or someone you know has been injured in a motorcycle accident or might be an amputee. Perhaps your life is going great and it just makes you happy to read along! Whatever the case may be, thank you for traveling on this journey with me. It really means a lot to know that so many care about what a young small-town girl like myself has to say!

Dad is doing really well! Mentally and emotionally he has recovered from his fall, but not quite physically. His stump is still VERY swollen and sore. Tuesday he went to his prosthetic doctor and even he was not too happy with dad's stump. This week will make three weeks since he has been able to do therapy, and that is no good! The other night he told me that it makes him so mad to see his new leg sitting against the wall and he can't do anything with it. Yesterday he went to the after hours clinic at OSMI, which is where he goes for his check-ups with his surgeon. There is no fracture, and they gave him some medication to help with the swelling and pain. Please be praying for dad and that he will heal quickly so he can get back to walking!

Dad is also getting ready to start back to work full-time instead of part-time. He loves his job and where he works, and we are so fortunate to have their understanding and support. I have had many people who have asked me where dad works. He started working at Gulf Coast Supply in Alachua just a few months before his accident. From the start, it was evident that their company had a great group of people with great integrity and truly cared about their employees. The night before dad's accident he told me and my family about a possible promotion to outside sales in the near future, and he was ecstatic. When the accident happened, of course the thought of bills and money scared me, because there was no way I could pay for them on my own. And what about the future? Would they still keep dad's job? Then one day when we were in the ICU, one of dad's bosses came to see him. My uncle talked to him for a bit and then he came and sat down with me and told me that they loved my dad and that whenever he was ready, his job would be waiting on him. I just busted out crying in the waiting room because 1) that weight was lifted off of my chest and 2) I was overjoyed by how loved my dad was. They continued to visit dad, and right before dad was released from rehab, they bought him an iPad for Christmas from the company. Needless to say, my family and I LOVE Gulf Coast Supply, and I'm just throwing this in for free... if you ever need any metal, roofing supplies, etc, Gulf Coast is where you need to go! They have great Christian values and they are a great group of people, including this cool guy named Barry. ;)

Now, it is time for some more of my crazy rambling... Hehe. :)

Last Saturday, Shane and I went and saw the new movie, "Gatsby." I have not read the book, but I really enjoyed the movie! I thought the special effects were awesome and as always, Leo DiCaprio was as handsome and debonair as ever. The next day I started thinking about the movie and the message it wanted to get across to the audience. To me, that's how you know you've seen a good movie: when you leave with something that you didn't expect. From the previews, I expected to see a passionate love story, extravagant parties, and a happy ending. Without ruining the movie for those who plan to see it, let's just say I didn't see all of those things.

When I thought the movie was about to go in a certain direction, it would pull a u-turn and go somewhere else. Overall, I left the movie thinking about the past. The entire movie revolved around the question: can you repeat the past? Can you change it? Unless you have a time machine, you cannot change the past, but.... can you repeat it? That question and idea has been cooking in the back of my mind ever since.

Everyone always tells us that we shouldn't regret the past because everything happens for a reason and we learn from it. I can't speak for anyone, but I know that for myself, I do. Yes, I learn from my mistakes and better myself, but that doesn't mean that I don't desperately wish for a remote control that I can use to rewind to past decisions and change the outcome. Looking back, I have made decisions that have literally changed the course of my life. And there are some that I'm not sure if I will ever forgive myself for making. There are people that I have hurt, bridges I have burnt, memories I have erased, and tears that I have shed that I wish I could change. I'm not sure if you've ever heard the song "A Lot of Things Different" by Kenny Chesney, but I will never forget hearing that song and crying when I heard the line, "People say they wouldn't change, even if they could... Oh, but I would."

I have desperately tried all throughout my life to hold on to the past and keep wishing for another chance. I sometimes felt as though I was watching others get chance after chance after chance, while I sat in the background just waiting for my second one. Over the years, holding onto things in the past left a bitterness in me; a feeling of anger for things not going the way that I wanted them. I can remember praying to God, so selfishly, knowing that if it was His will, it would have happened.

Then there are times when I'm thankful for the past. I'm thankful for memories with friends and family, and yes, even for some of the mistakes I made. Some people hold on so desperately to the past,  as if it's the only thing keeping them afloat. I've been there, and it is not a fun place to be. It's hard for our fragile minds to truly understand that the past is the past and all we can do is move forward. I don't know about you, but I don't handle change well, which is kind of funny when you think about it because our world is changing constantly. The only thing that has remained consistent in my ever-changing world, is the unconditional love and grace from the One who holds the pen in His hand and who knows every pain and joy I will experience. He holds my future, and that means that nothing can catch him by surprise.

So, even though I may regret things in my past, I can't change it, and I can't repeat it. No matter how I try. Like Gatsby, he had to learn the hard way that things change, and we can't live in the past. So rather than dwelling on it, I move forward. I choose to look ahead. With change, there comes a new normal. for example, when my parents got divorced, my world was shattered and the normal I thought I new, became awkward and forced. Eventually, as time went by, my sister and I had to let go of the past and begin adjusting to a "new" normal. While it wasn't the normalcy we wanted, we realized it was either sink or swim. As we began to heal and adjust, dad's accident happened. Once again, our world was shattered and the normal we were beginning to become familiar with became foreign, and our lives were in limbo. Now, we are once again having to adjust to a new normal, but this time, I welcome this new normal. Compared to the one I was adjusting to a year ago, I must say that this one is much better. Relationships are stronger, past hurts are forgiven, and our faith has been tested and proved. I look forward to the day when I can look back on this time and smile, because I will know that it was the catalyst that set in motion a stronger future for my family and I. Who knew such beauty could come from the past?

Blessings ~

Shelby

P.S. - Just for fun, I thought I would post some oldies ;)

My dad, sister and I in 2005.

Dad and Makayla - look at that grin!

Makayla and I 11 years ago.

Dad and his overalls...

One of my favorites!

Dad and I after climbing Stone Mountain...maybe one day we will do this again! :)

6 Months Forward, 6 Steps Back

Hey everyone! It's May! Anyone know what May is...? May is motorcycle awareness month! Challenge yourself and those in your family to be more aware and watch for motorcycles! In my dad's case, he would still have his leg. A couple of weeks ago, some friends and I went to the Clay County Fair. I was driving in my car down SR 16 through Penny Farms, which is a 2-lane road. A couple of motorcycles pulled out in front of me, so I slowed down and got about 50 yards behind them. I then watched in shock at how one of them literally road right next to the center line!! Almost like he was daring someone to hit him! The cars coming the opposite direction were having to ride on the shoulder to miss him. Then I got MAD. I'm talking smoke-coming-out-of-my-ears mad. I started begging God to let him turn into the fair grounds so I could give him a piece of my mind! But God knows better than I, so the guy didn't turn in when I did. So instead, I asked God to make him get over or get off the road. We need to be aware of motorcycles, but motorcycle drivers also need to be aware of cars. The night of dad's accident the car came across the center line and by the time dad and Michelle saw it, it was too late. Help save a life!

May also means it's the end of the semester! Wahoo! I'm looking forward to a few months without tests and homework. :) I will be applying for my program this month as well, so there are lots of exciting things going on! Please be praying for me as I get ready to apply and endure the long three months of waiting for a response. :)

When a person goes through a storm, just because the rain stops pouring doesn't mean the damage has been repaired. It's like the calm after a tornado comes through. You're thankful that the worst part is over, but just the thought of the clean-up that will have to take place is enough to send you over the edge. That's kind of how I have felt over the past couple of weeks. Today is six months since dad's accident. SIX MONTHS! I can remember sitting in his hospital room just wishing that I could fast-forward six months. And now we are here! Dad has come so far along over the past six months, and I couldn't be more proud. But... that doesn't mean that the damage that has been done to him or our family has been fully repaired.

As some of you know, on April 16th my boyfriend's dad had to have emergency open-heart surgery for an aortic aneurism. It was a very scary process, but after a few days things seemed to be getting better. Then one Tuesday night when I got off of work, it was around 10pm, Shane called me and told me that they were taking him back for exploratory surgery due to him having a fever of 105, and they couldn't figure out what was going on. So they were going to have to go in and try a hands-on approach. I immediately took off for Gainesville. Mr. Danny's room is in the North Tower at Shands (the old side), but my dad's was in the South Tower (the new side). When I got to Gainesville, Shane said that they would be doing his dad's surgery in the South Tower. When I got there, Shane and his family were still across the road, so they told me to go ahead and go to the second floor waiting room. As I sat in those chairs, it felt as if I had never left. Like I was still waiting on that November 4th night for the verdict. Would my dad live or die? I could remember each surgery that we sat in those comfy leather seats. When Shane's family got there, we waited for a couple of hours and then finally the doctor came out...and it was the SAME doctor that operated on dad the night of his accident! Earlier that day, my dad had the chance to meet him and several ICU nurses when he was there visiting Shane's dad and a friend of ours. Small world, right? Shane's dad pulled through the surgery, but they were still unable to find the problem, but he began getting better again. A few days later I was back over there and he had just gotten the ventilator out. As I stood there in his room...hearing the beeping machines, seeing the hundreds of wires, watching his  monitor, I got sick to my stomach.

I then went to the bathroom and sat down and began to sob. Sobbing at the memories. The nightmares that haunted my dreams for weeks. Sobbing at having to watch his family experience the feeling of helplessness that I became so familiar with. Sobbing because I feel like I will never leave Shands UF, and that someone I love and care about will always be here. After I had my little "moment", I wiped my eyes and stood up - determined to be strong for Shane and his family. Throughout all of this I have tried to let them know that they are not alone, and that I am willing to fight through this with them.

*Side note - please keep praying for Mr. Danny. He is still struggling to heal. I know his family would greatly appreciate the prayers.*

All of that is to say, we may be six months ahead. Six months further from a time I never want to experience again. Six months closer to a day when things will one day be normal again. But there are days when I feel six steps back. Like that night in the hospital with Shane's family. My mind and heart are still healing from those images and long days and nights.

Dad also had his first nasty fall last Sunday... Last weekend we were out at the lake celebrating my birthday, and we were staying in a little cottage out there. On Sunday I had to go into work for a few hours, so my mom and my sister were outside while my dad was inside watching a movie. He drove his Jazzy (his electric scooter) over to the fridge and got a drink and then drove back over to the couch. When he went to stand up, his shoe slipped on the tile floor. His stump literally caught his fall. The bone hit right against the tile and his butt hit the footrest on the scooter. The drink busted so he fell in some glass. Thankfully, my mom was right outside and heard him yell for her. He's okay, but it definitely shook him up. His stump started swelling the next day and he is very, very stiff and sore. Needless to say, we have all been a little more careful and cautious when it comes to him getting around. I can tell it really scared dad, to the point where it took him a little bit before he would walk with his crutches. But he is doing better and he is being a trooper, as always. :)

It's moments like those when I am reminded how we still have healing to do.  Emotionally and physically, especially with dad. Dad has defied so many odds that were against him, and he still is. But he is still having to face a drastic change and loss.

My mind is constantly in a million places. I'm always thinking about school, work, dad, Shane, life, painting my toes, and more all at the same time. So that means that I am forgetting things more often than I used to. I understand people may get frustrated when I forget little things, or don't think about things as often as I should, but there are times when I just want to scream! I am sure that many of you can relate, if you have ever been through something like this. I don't necessarily always want to scream at them, but more at me. I become frustrated with myself, because in my mind, I should be able to do everything. I am superwoman and can handle everything going and then some. But then, when I have to face the reality that I can't do everything and I can't handle all that is going on around me, it hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel like I'm suffocating...

That's where God's amazing strength and peace comes in. I see the beauty in the fact that I can't do things on my own. It reminds me that I am a weak human, who serves a mighty God. The same God who spoke the Earth into existence, is the same God who speaks to my broken heart. The same God who knows the number of stars in the sky, knows the number of hairs on my head. A couple of years ago, I got a tattoo on my wrist. It was a little spur-of-the-moment thing, but it I wanted it to have meaning. It is simple, just two black sparrows. I never would have known how much it means to me today. Many of you have probably heard the old song, "His Eye is on the Sparrow." At the time I got this tattoo, I was going through so many changes in my life. Changes with my parents, friends, and school. It was then that I wanted to be reminded every day when I looked at that tattoo, that every day, every second, Jesus is watching over me. Matthew 10:29-31 says, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." For those who have not heard the song, here are the lyrics...

"Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear;
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me."

Beautiful...right? On those days when I feel six steps behind, I begin humming this song, and become determined to not let satan steal mine or my family's joy. 

Speaking of joy... Last Saturday, dad broke out his new KNEE for all of us! It was awesome, and yes, there were some tears shed as some saw him walk for the first time. Many have asked why dad hasn't taken his leg out in public, and that's because A) It wasn't technically "his" yet and B) He can only walk on it for a short amount of time. It is still very painful, but as time goes on and his leg becomes less sensitive, he will be out there showing off for sure. :) Here is a picture of him and my Aunt Joy (his sister), and my cousin Gini (Joy's daughter):

These moments also help us go another six steps forward... We are moving forward baby steps at a time. These past six months have been difficult, to say the least, but I can truly say my dad, sister, myself, and our family have experienced such a deep love for one another that I don't think we would have been able to experience otherwise. I can't wait to see where God takes us in the next six months! Thank you for those who have supported us these past six months, and here's to many more!

Blessings ~

Shelby