A few years ago I opened my fortune cookie from the local Chinese takeout restaurant here in Starke, and it simply stated the above title. "As one grows to understand life less and less, one learns to live it more and more." I saved that little piece of paper and I actually have it on my memo board on the door to my room to this day. A few years ago, that phrase had a totally different meaning to me. My parents were separated at the time and I was struggling with trying to have faith despite all that was going on around me.
Now, a few years later, I read that worn piece of paper with a totally different outlook.
People always refer to life as a book; words, sentences, paragraphs, pages, and chapters filled with stories, memories, pain, and laughter. I sometimes wish I had enough time to literally sit down and write a book about my life. Oh the things I would fill it with! And, oh the things I would choose to leave out... :)
Out of the hundreds of random thoughts my mind comes up with every day, I've been thinking about that one a lot... Life. Books. Stories. I am slightly a book nerd. Well, actually I'm a huge book. I love to read! Books are a different world I get to escape to for a little while. Sometimes the books are sad, happy, confusing, long, suspenseful, exhilarating, scary, and euphoric. And sometimes, when you get a really good one, it has all of those in one. I'm sure that many of you remember in school learning about how to write stories. There's an introduction, plot, climax, conclusion, details, etc... All of those come together to create a story.
If your entire life was written in a book... What would your story tell?
We never know when our book will shut, when the last words on the final page will be written. Perhaps some are just reaching the climax of their story. Some stories are just beginning with their first breath, or others may be approaching their conclusion and the infamous "The End" phrase.
If my life were a book, I feel like up to this point in my life, my chapters would be based on the stages of my life. My first chapters would be my childhood, which was filled with so many happy memories. What I would give to be able to go back to those days and that innocence! The next few chapters would probably include things like my little sister's birth, September 11th, my dad getting deployed, and my first baton lessons. Then my middle school days... I try to block those out as much as I can. I hated middle school! I think it's safe to say those would be short chapters. :) High school was awesome. I have so many good memories with my friends. Of course high school holds the memories of my first kiss, my first heartbreak, my salvation, mission trips, Friday night football games, homecoming, staying out past curfew, and so many more. Looking back on my life up to that point, I can say that there's nothing I would change. My life wasn't perfect, but it was pretty darn close.
After high school.... that's when it got interesting.
I feel like as soon as I graduated from high school my world was flipped completely upside down. My parent's divorce, the economy taking a huge toll on my family and house, and beginning my battle with depression.
All of us have asked this question - "WHY?" Why did this happen? Why did they do that to me? Why haven't I found the answers yet? Why do bad things happen to good people?
I have to be honest, I've asked that last one quite a bit recently. We learn the word "why" very young. We feel like we are entitled to an explanation. But like that fortune cookie said, as we grow up life will become more and more confusing, so the best thing to do is just live it with all you have. The question why is no longer about why we have to eat our veggies or why we can't go to a friend's birthday party. The "whys" become even harder to answer. Why do people have to die? Why isn't there a cure for cancer? Why can't I find a job? Why can't my husband and I get pregnant?
I live in a small town, and usually things are pretty quiet. But it seems like recently if has been hit after hit after hit. Last month I was getting dressed to go to a funeral for a man I had known ever since I was a child, and he was a special person to Starke - Judge Johnny Hobbs. As I was putting my shoes on, I received the news that a friend and coworker of mine had died while giving birth to her first child, a baby boy. I literally could not catch my breath. WHAT?! How could this happen? Why did it happen? In the weeks that followed, things didn't get any easier for our community. A shooting rampage in Lake Butler, the loss of a 3 month old baby boy, a soldier killed while stopping to help someone on the interstate...
So much heartache, and why is it happening to such good people?
As the 1 year anniversary of my dad's accident approaches, and with all that has been going on, I've gone back to that night and the days that followed many times. It's not an easy place to go back to, and the memories it holds aren't exactly peachy. The day after the accident I was a complete basket case at the hospital. I was so nauseous, and overwhelmed with what was going on. I would go back to see dad and have to leave within 5 minutes because I was sobbing so hard. WHY is this happening? WHY is this happening to MY dad? He is such a good man and he is fighting for his life! That night my sister and I stayed in a hotel in Gainesville so we could be close by in case anything happened. Makayla passed out as soon as she laid down, but I knew when I laid down, it wasn't going to be pretty. I was right, because as soon as I put my head on my pillow I began sobbing and screaming into my pillow. How were we going to do this? Would my dad make it through the night? How am I going to be strong? After an hour of this, I finally calmed down, and simply prayed.... "Lord, I can't. But YOU can." At that point I kind of gave myself a good slap in the face so I could pull it together. The whole situation was out of my hands. I had no control over it, and the only one who did is the some person who created the stars, and He was holding us in His hands. The next day when I went to the hospital, I went to my daddy's side and grabbed his hand. I looked at all of the tubes going down his throat and nose, his missing leg, the ventilator screen showing each breath. Yes, sometimes bad things happen to good people, and we may never get the answer to the question WHY... But I truly believe - and my dad feels the same way - that God allowed this to happen to my dad because He knew my dad was a fighter, and that He would glorify the healing power of our Savior.
Notice I didn't say God MADE this happen to my dad - he ALLOWED it. As children of God, He will never leave nor forsake us, and we never have to fear the punishment and judgement of God - that was settled on the cross. The devil is the one who roams around like a roaring lion seeking whom he can devour. He wants to steal, kill, and destroy. As I realized this, I became stronger in my faith and understanding of the mysterious ways of this life. I feel like this all ties together in our story we call life. From our very first page, our lives become a story. That story will involve happy times and sad times, and in those moments of struggle and trials, we learn that we will never really understand life, and we may never even be able to understand our story until we reach the end. As one grows to understand life less and less, one learns to live it more and more. I now hug my loved ones a little tighter. I say, "I love you," more often. I try new experiences because I never know if I will have the opportunity to do them again. I slow down and watch the sunset. I sing a little louder, laugh a little more, and forgive a lot quicker. Why? Because I know that I will never understand, and I will never be in control. I will never have all the answers. I will never know if the conversations with people will be their last - or mine. I will never know.
I'm not totally delusional. Every day is not peaches and cream for me. I'm human... I cry, I get angry, I make mistakes; but I try not to base my happiness on the bad days. I have laughed until I've cried, I have traveled to Europe, I have experienced accomplishment and success, I come home every day to so many blessings. I hope that as you read this blog - whoever you may be - that you can realize that no matter what you are facing... there is ALWAYS hope.
What is your story?
Blessings ~
Shelby
After high school.... that's when it got interesting.
I feel like as soon as I graduated from high school my world was flipped completely upside down. My parent's divorce, the economy taking a huge toll on my family and house, and beginning my battle with depression.
All of us have asked this question - "WHY?" Why did this happen? Why did they do that to me? Why haven't I found the answers yet? Why do bad things happen to good people?
I have to be honest, I've asked that last one quite a bit recently. We learn the word "why" very young. We feel like we are entitled to an explanation. But like that fortune cookie said, as we grow up life will become more and more confusing, so the best thing to do is just live it with all you have. The question why is no longer about why we have to eat our veggies or why we can't go to a friend's birthday party. The "whys" become even harder to answer. Why do people have to die? Why isn't there a cure for cancer? Why can't I find a job? Why can't my husband and I get pregnant?
I live in a small town, and usually things are pretty quiet. But it seems like recently if has been hit after hit after hit. Last month I was getting dressed to go to a funeral for a man I had known ever since I was a child, and he was a special person to Starke - Judge Johnny Hobbs. As I was putting my shoes on, I received the news that a friend and coworker of mine had died while giving birth to her first child, a baby boy. I literally could not catch my breath. WHAT?! How could this happen? Why did it happen? In the weeks that followed, things didn't get any easier for our community. A shooting rampage in Lake Butler, the loss of a 3 month old baby boy, a soldier killed while stopping to help someone on the interstate...
So much heartache, and why is it happening to such good people?
As the 1 year anniversary of my dad's accident approaches, and with all that has been going on, I've gone back to that night and the days that followed many times. It's not an easy place to go back to, and the memories it holds aren't exactly peachy. The day after the accident I was a complete basket case at the hospital. I was so nauseous, and overwhelmed with what was going on. I would go back to see dad and have to leave within 5 minutes because I was sobbing so hard. WHY is this happening? WHY is this happening to MY dad? He is such a good man and he is fighting for his life! That night my sister and I stayed in a hotel in Gainesville so we could be close by in case anything happened. Makayla passed out as soon as she laid down, but I knew when I laid down, it wasn't going to be pretty. I was right, because as soon as I put my head on my pillow I began sobbing and screaming into my pillow. How were we going to do this? Would my dad make it through the night? How am I going to be strong? After an hour of this, I finally calmed down, and simply prayed.... "Lord, I can't. But YOU can." At that point I kind of gave myself a good slap in the face so I could pull it together. The whole situation was out of my hands. I had no control over it, and the only one who did is the some person who created the stars, and He was holding us in His hands. The next day when I went to the hospital, I went to my daddy's side and grabbed his hand. I looked at all of the tubes going down his throat and nose, his missing leg, the ventilator screen showing each breath. Yes, sometimes bad things happen to good people, and we may never get the answer to the question WHY... But I truly believe - and my dad feels the same way - that God allowed this to happen to my dad because He knew my dad was a fighter, and that He would glorify the healing power of our Savior.
Notice I didn't say God MADE this happen to my dad - he ALLOWED it. As children of God, He will never leave nor forsake us, and we never have to fear the punishment and judgement of God - that was settled on the cross. The devil is the one who roams around like a roaring lion seeking whom he can devour. He wants to steal, kill, and destroy. As I realized this, I became stronger in my faith and understanding of the mysterious ways of this life. I feel like this all ties together in our story we call life. From our very first page, our lives become a story. That story will involve happy times and sad times, and in those moments of struggle and trials, we learn that we will never really understand life, and we may never even be able to understand our story until we reach the end. As one grows to understand life less and less, one learns to live it more and more. I now hug my loved ones a little tighter. I say, "I love you," more often. I try new experiences because I never know if I will have the opportunity to do them again. I slow down and watch the sunset. I sing a little louder, laugh a little more, and forgive a lot quicker. Why? Because I know that I will never understand, and I will never be in control. I will never have all the answers. I will never know if the conversations with people will be their last - or mine. I will never know.
I'm not totally delusional. Every day is not peaches and cream for me. I'm human... I cry, I get angry, I make mistakes; but I try not to base my happiness on the bad days. I have laughed until I've cried, I have traveled to Europe, I have experienced accomplishment and success, I come home every day to so many blessings. I hope that as you read this blog - whoever you may be - that you can realize that no matter what you are facing... there is ALWAYS hope.
What is your story?
Blessings ~
Shelby
